Shortly after the arrival of Kaspa's Desserts, what appears to be a rival but otherwise identical ice cream and desserts chain has hit Newcastle's ever swanky Bigg Market, this one is called Creams. And the dessert house clone is very much identical in every way, offering the same range of ice creams, waffles and crepes, in the same vulgar American format, sprinkled with the same essence of tackiness and the same drizzle of over vibrancy. Creams even looks and sounds the same, brandishing the same tasteless black and pink styling as well as the same obscene soundtrack selected to draw in teenage girls and chav families in their masses.
To give credit where credit is due, the desserts and ice creams at Creams are tasty. They do offer a monstrously encompassing range of flavours and styles at vaguely reasonable prices. And if you're looking for a filthy fix of waffles and multi-flavour ice cream then Creams has exactly what you need. Like Kaspa's its best to avoid the whipped cream and whippy ice cream doused sundaes and go straight for the un-adulterated ice creams. - where you can tailor make your own combo from some excellent ice creams, gelatos and sorbets. But all that is hardly a revelation, their entire menu is composed of sugar and fat - only an utter moron could get such a cuisine wrong.
Although some of the staff at Cream's are very friendly and charming, others are clearly menaces to society. On the Fat Spoon's recent visit, one member of staff thought it would be wise to use a red hot sundae glass, straight from the dishwasher, to serve ice cream. It's ice cream you complete imbecile. Even a rabid chimp could probably see the error in this, yet the concept of melting ice cream clearly escaped at least one member of Cream's team. All in all, Cream's is at least honest, it knows exactly what it is and is correctly placed at the corner of the Bigg Market. And being completely indistinguishable from it's carbon copy - Kaspa's, it can only receive an identical meagre rating. 57%
Kaspa's, an American-style ice cream franchise beast has recently arrived in Newcastle, but this city already has it's long standing king of ice cream - Mark Toney; and this old school café has no intention of moving over. Kaspa's is a hugely exciting concept that has already conquered fifteen locations across the country. The Newcastle site, like the others, is an aggressively colourful American style dessert diner, offering a variety of ice cream sundaes as well waffles, crepes, milkshakes and distasteful cakes - bubble gum cake simply shouldn't exist.
The three Mark Toney cafes of Newcastle couldn't be more different to the American giant, they exist as micro time warps, with 60's styling throughout and a classic café menu to match. They offer an excellently greasy full English for a mere £5 as well as great cakes, pasties and pastries. But Mark Toney cafes are largely renowned in Newcastle for their outstanding array of quality ice creams, particularly high valued on the scarce sunny days that we get. They offer a variety of cones, tubs and excellent value large takeaway tubs, where they're more than happy to let you go wild on ice cream varieties. And you can be confident that every scoop is of outstanding quality and flavour; well deserving of their multiple 'great taste awards'.
Kaspa's do have some excellent ice creams to offer, but as is typical of money hungry franchises, they do what they can to cut corners. The great high quality flavoured ice cream is usually diluted with flavourless 'ice cream factory' style ice cream as well as ridiculous amounts of whipped cream. Whereas Mark Toney will always give you a full pot of the real deal, and won't douse their desserts in sugar-rich fake chocolate sauce. And although the portions at Kaspa's are pretty hefty, they also seem to think £7+ is an acceptable price for their short cut sundaes. Where good old Mark Toney is a fraction of that cost. What's more, once you look past the initial bright lights and vibrant colours of Kaspa's, you quickly realise its nothing more than a vulgar, plastic coated, over priced McFlurry station set up for greedy kid's birthday parties and those hoping to eat their way out of the woes of their life.
For variety, flavour richness and sheer quality of ice cream, there can only ever be one winner here - Mark Toney cafés. Proving that old school really is the best school. Kaspa's can take their soggy pancakes and whippy pretend ice cream back to the states.
Mark Toney cafés 76%
Kaspa's Desserts 57%
The American grill cuisine trade is absolutely booming in the UK, thanks largely to that (ex-)fat bloke from the eternally brilliant 'Man VS Food' television programme. Slow-cooked meats, hot wings and cheese coated carbs being at the very forefront of that beastly taste invasion from the states. There are some restaurants that put a lot of time into developing their brand and making sure their flavours are spot on. However, there are many pubs and restaurants that make meagre efforts with sodden pulled pork, parched flavourless brisket and feebly spiced "hot" wings; often trying to raise the profile of their flaccid menu with this half-baked attempt at grill house cuisine.
The Hop and Cleaver however, has done absolutely everything right. Perched next to one of the best pubs in town, this well hidden wonder generates an atmosphere of sheer sensual smoky seduction. And it's not all about the meat, having a genuine interest in craft beers means they're another one of those microbrewery type places, their bulging tanks proudly on show within the eatery. And to completely abolish any of their sluggish pseudo-American competition, they have also supported their food with some heavy duty shakes, traditionally outlandish cocktails and of course, plenty of bourbon.
So the drinks are fantastic here, as is the service and the whole feel of the place. But anyone who's anyone (or just greedy) will tell you that's all about the way they do their meat. Coating chunky succulent ribs in a batter made of chicken and frying the lot may sound like utter smut, but it's actually genius. Their beautifully grotesque methods of lifting meat to unholy levels continues with feast sharers...the blue cheese tomahawk steak and beer can chicken. Their crates of 14 hour brisket, luscious pulled pork and super sticky hot wings will have you fellating your own fingers when you're done. And all of which can be coupled with some properly filthy sides. This is American food, done exactly as the fatties intended. Awesome. 89%
Who'd have thought it... Apparently American food doesn't have to been grotesque, greasy and covered in dubious cheese. Someone tell those very mediocre American diners of Newcastle that they can hang up their bbq sauce covered aprons and turn the fryers off.....they know who they are. dAt bAr is yet another new kid on the block, brilliantly located near Monument. And in the fight or die scenario that all new restaurants and bars are faced with in their opening months, dAt bAr comes into the ring with more fight than a smackhead radgie on match day, with horns. They've done everything right, combined a smooth but vibrant atmosphere with great food and an exemplary selection of local and not so local beer. The perfect place for a man date or to treat a lady or to take your mam next Sunday....it's that accommodating. The starters are interesting and worldly inspired...a fresh outlook that definitely trumps the done to death fried calamari and potato skins that you'd usually find in a bar-restaurant. The American influence comes in with the mains...super succulent steak, burgers and pulled pork, as well as innovative sourdough pizzas. The menu looks and sounds fun, which really complements the funky vibe at dAt bAr. Interesting quirks like their beef being sourced from "The Fat Butcher" (possibly a relative of the Fat Spoon) and their mix-and-match charcuterie Berkel Boards will make any visit to this joint truly enjoyable. And the pizzas are there to give those funny vegetarian-types plenty of choice...how considerate! Some of the staff are newbies (so may be a little awkward) and the beer prices aren't exactly student friendly but at least there's LOTS of it! Definitely worth a visit soon! 87%
